hi, diary. it's been a while. three months, to be specific. i used to think that was a long time as a child. a fourth of a whole year, a fourth of 365, 90 whole days. as i've grown older, and realized how long we really have, i've come to terms with the fact that 90 days just isn't enough.
a lot has happened in three months, a fourth of the year, 90 whole days. i'm fifteen now. i don't feel much different. everything is the same no matter how old you get, i guess. i don't do acid anymore. i mean, if someone gave me acid i'd do it in a heartbeat, but i haven't had that happen to me and i'm too cheap to buy any myself. i saw vs self live last night. it was fucking awesome. i was right in front of the stage-- my knees are bruised from how hard i mashed them against the wood. i got a t-shirt and a cd. the singer (tambourinist?) gave me the setlist. andrew, helena, and gio were with me. andrew even crowd-surfed. my neck aches from how hard i headbanged. one day i will be 70 and my neck will ache from a rough night's sleep, instead. i haven't watched any new movies. i saw love lies bleeding with helena, and it was alright. not my favorite.
i used to think all those movies about highschool were full of shit. there was no way anybody could be lonely with thousands of kids in a school. i was wrong. i hate school. it feels like being an ant, staring up at all the big people around you and being unable to form any sort of meaningful connection. i feel less than human. i feel otherworldly. i feel lonely.
i hate money. i wish i was rich. i really wish i didn't have to click sort by: least to most on every website. fuck being rich, i wish money wasn't real. i don't want to have to work at a job i hate until i'm 60 just to live. i hate money. i hate that i will need money forever and ever and ever and i even moreso hate that there's nothing i can do about it.
there's a lot of things i hate. in a condensed list, i hate: money, self tan, girls, boys, men, women, houses, capitalism, communism, socialism, socialization, and pity smiles. and people who think they can write poetry, though i do fit in the last part. i don't read back my journal entries because i'm afraid of what i've written. i find that, every time i write a new entry, i am a new, reborn, remodeled, reshaped person. i was someone else the last time i wrote and i will be a different one the next time i write.