hi reader. alonso isn't getting me acid, frowny face. i probably have to hit up andy's plug, which is annoying but not too much of a big deal. nothing's happened in my life since the last update. i helped my dad move offices and went to the mall with sofia. i stole, like, 150 bucks worth of stuff. i only kept like 30 bucks worthm though.
i've been thinking a lot about that quote from that movie. i think it's isle of the dogs. it goes "i'm not a violent dog. i don't know why i bite." frankly, i am a violent dog. i am a rabid, angry, bloodthirsty dog who bites because it is the only hand god has dealt him. my deck of cards is plentiful in disgust, jealousy, and every emotion that bubbles up inside and makes you want to throw everything away and give up. my riverbed has run dry in the sense of love. love love love. it consumes me. it's all i think about, all day, every day. i don't think ive ever felt love. god, i yearn for it. i yearn for someone to love me in that unconditional way that people do. i yearn for someone to laugh with instead of at me. i yearn for somebody to hold me at night. i yearn for somebody to hurt me. i want someone to hurt my feelings and break my heart and treat me like how i treat myself. i don't know what i want, i only know it's not what i have.
i don't have any passions. the only passions i have are sparkling water, how little i can eat in a day, and writing on my blog. passions cost money, i reason to myself. money that i don't have. i think about money a lot. i wish i didn't i wish i was 5 again, when money meant nothing, 30 minutes was an eternity, and my parents still chastised me for being impatient. some things never change, i think. i am impatient because i am hungry. i am hungry for more, i am hungry for excitement, i am hungry for passion and for love and for all the things that i want but can never have. but i am hungry in the nauseous way. the way where even thinking about food makes you want to vomit, let alone trying to put anything in you mouth. i am hungry in the cowardly way.